Where to begin? (this seems to be the question of the day for me lately). Let's rewind to about 8 months ago... August 2010, when after much deliberation which involved a whole lot of prayer, tears and advice, I decided to let the older boys move down to experience life with their dad. Many of you already know this and many of you are probably tired of hearing about this, but I sure do love and appreciate those that continue to be of moral support to me.
Alright, I promise I'm going somewhere with this...
When I decided to let the boys move down, I didn't realize or I guess I should say, even fathom the mental/emotional state that I would soon experience. I had this constant feeling of worry and unhappiness. I felt like a big part of my life was missing even though I knew I hadn't really lost anything. I had this overwhelming feeling of anger. I hated thinking that because of the distance, I was going to miss out on some of the most memorable moments such as dances, dating, sporting events etc... I would start to think about some of my more challenging years with 4 kids under the age of 5, driving here, there and everywhere to get them to all the activities they wanted to be involved with. Always working opposite shifts while they were younger so that they would never have to go to a sitter or daycare. The nurturing given and relationships that were developed as the years went forward and the lessons learned through all our experiences, both good and bad. In my selfish world, I felt everything was UNFAIR!
I share this with you because I realized this was a problem that I needed to fix and quickly. (I was not very enjoyable to be around)
As I started to think about what I could do to better myself, I decided that
First... I needed to not only continue but put a lot more emphasis on developing a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. He is the perfect example of love and forgiveness, two areas that I could really use some improvement in.
Second, I needed to re-develop relationships with the people I love and care about and let them help and support me and even more important express and show my love for them. In other words, my stubbornness needed to make a quick exit.
And last, I needed to involve myself with those things that I enjoyed doing but would always take a back seat due to one reason or another.
This is the part in my story where I would love to say that I've been "MIRACULOUSLY" cured. But I can't.
What I can tell you... as I try (and TRY is a pretty big word for Jeanell), I am realizing that I may never be able to fully relinquish some of those feelings and frustrations that exist, but as I am learning to focus on those things mentioned above, I've started to not only feel at peace but develop a deeper gratitude for...
My Family
Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of everyone, but you get the general idea.
I never have to look far if I need some words of encouragement or a best friend,
My Interests
(I won't call them Talents just yet)
I am always trying to think of different ways to make my house a home.
So naturally, I am trying to put my negative energy to good use.
I've developed a great love for photography and have enjoyed taking pictures of my babies.
(and other people too) :)
I have re-started working on my goal to play (and play well mind you) all of the hymns and primary songs. I have told myself I was going to do this since my teenage years. (long ago)
I am determined to continue my love of decorating for the seasons and holidays.
(something I failed terribly at in 2010)
I've worked on mingling the OLD with the NEW
It's also been fun adding some pink, although probably more purple to a whole lot of masculine.
(I'm not going to lie, this was my favorite project and not just because she's been sharing a room with Dad and Mom for 2 years)
Because of 2 very important men in my life, I've developed a love for running.
(I've only participated in one official race, but am making it a goal to do my marathon)
My Spirituality
Always a work in progress for me, but I love that I can turn to my Heavenly Father whenever and for whatever I may need.
The more I try to develop and work on being closer with him, the more eternal perspective I seem to be gaining. (trust me, I've really needed this)
My Life
I love this kiddos with all of my heart. I want them to make good choices and I want them to be happy. I feel blessed to be their mother and even more blessed because these cute things are mine for eternity.
I love this man with all of my heart and soul.
He is genuine, kind and loves me unconditionally.
He has helped me make it through some of my tougher times over the years
and has become my very best friend.
It is important that you find someone to bring out your better qualities and he continues to do this for me.
I can't imagine my life without him.
*********
So while my therapeutic process might consist of many different people, places and outlets, I am finding that I don't have to look beyond the comforts of my own home and those things that I have already been greatly blessed with to feel genuinely HAPPY.
6 comments:
Wow! Great post! Your home is beautiful by the way. I know how hard it is to let your kids go sometimes. I've been dealing with it with my older two since they were ages 4 & 1... Hardest thing I've ever done... not having them half the time, but over time I've realized how important it is for my kids to have a good relationship with Justin and I and their dad and step mom. I've realized over time that their dad is a good guy (even though we were not good together) and that Cameron and Reagan need his influence just at much as mine. If I don't let them make their "own" relationships with "their" family members then I have done them a huge dis-favor and they will eventually resent me for it. So, I think the only thing we can do is love them, support them, and be thre for them the best we can.
Awesome post! I can't even imagine how hard the last few months have been for you but you have handled it very gracefully. Very inspiring! P.S. if you run out of projects at your house you are always welcome to start some at mine :)
Lots of love from all of us!
You're inspiring. Thanks for sharing ...with me.
I have a lot of emotions reading this...because, while I don't know everything you've been through, I've had my own struggles with watching you go through these things. It's hard to see people you love experience hard things and feel helpless, wishing you could do SOMETHING to help. That's where I'm grateful for the Savior. I've learned that, when I can't control something, I can turn that trial over to Him because He CAN help. I know He'll help you through all of this...and help you find answers and peace...like He already has in many ways. I know you've felt and will continue to feel that as you continue that relationship with Him. Love you.
Jeanell- You are amazing and very inspiring! I'm sure it was difficult to share, but THANK YOU! Hope things continue to get better for you and your family. xo, Nicki PS I'd love some of your projects in my house too! :)
I loved this post :) You are such an amazing person :)
and ps... you can come help me decorate my house if you run out of rooms in your house :0)
Post a Comment